Why "hi, how are you" rarely goes anywhere
It puts the whole effort on the other person. There is nothing to grab hold of, so the answer is short and then it goes quiet.
Messages that get answers usually do three things: they are concrete, they invite a small story, and they reveal something about you while you ask. You do not need to be funny - you need to give the other person something to reply to.
Icebreakers that tend to work
Start from everyday life and curiosity rather than interview questions. A few you can borrow and make your own:
- "What is the best thing you did this week - even if it is something small?"
- "Is there anything you have become unexpectedly obsessed with lately?"
- "Morning or evening person - and what does your best morning look like?"
- "Which cafe or spot in town would you take someone to first?"
- "The last series, book or podcast you actually recommended to someone?"
- "If you had a completely free week, what would you do with it?"
What to talk about once the first question is answered
Chats usually fade because they get stuck on facts: job, age, where you live. Go one step deeper in the same topic instead - ask why, how it felt, or what the best part was.
- Everyday life: what an ordinary Tuesday looks like, and what makes it good.
- Pace: whether they would rather meet soon or get to know someone slowly.
- Context: friends, family, what makes them feel at home.
- The future, lightly: a next trip, a next move, something they look forward to.
- Humour: the last thing that made them laugh.
What kills a chat
Knowing what stops a conversation is as useful as knowing what to write.
- Several questions in one message - it turns into a form to fill in.
- Compliments about looks as the only content.
- Replying only "haha" or "ok" without giving anything back.
- Heavy topics too early: exes, money, health.
- Asking for an exact address, workplace or other details early on - it is reasonable for someone to say no to that.
How it works in the Aivelyn chat
When a match becomes mutual, a chat opens in the app. There is a button that suggests an icebreaker question for you: you see the question first, can ask for a new one if it does not fit, and decide yourself whether to send it. If you send it, the message is shown as AI-generated.
The suggestion is built from light everyday topics, not from your chat or your profile answers - it is a starting point, not a script. If you want something more personal to start from, the match report shows what you have in common and where you differ, which is often the better first topic.
When to move from chat to meeting
A chat that runs for weeks without going anywhere rarely improves with more messages. Suggest something short and concrete once you have had a couple of conversations that felt good: a coffee, a walk, an hour.
Meet in a public place the first time, tell someone where you are, and end it if something feels wrong. You do not owe anyone a good explanation for saying no.