Start with one question, not an interview
Ask first whether it's a good time to talk. Choose one question you both want to explore and give each other time to answer. The listener can ask “do you want to tell me more?” before offering advice or talking about themselves.
It's fine to pass. A question doesn't have to become a deep conversation just because it's on a list. If you're tired, stressed or already mid-conflict, choose another moment. The exercise below is a suggested format, not a treatment or a test of your relationship.
Questions about the everyday life you share
The small details can be the easiest place to start. Choose something that opens up curiosity, even if you've known each other for a long time.
- Which small moment from this week would you like to experience again?
- What has taken more energy than I might have noticed?
- When during the day do you most want company, and when do you want to be left alone?
- Which of our everyday habits do you like most?
- What would make next week a little easier for you?
Questions about care and appreciation
Try asking for examples. “When did you last feel that?” can make a big word like closeness easier to talk about.
- When did you last feel truly seen by me?
- Which small thing I do means more than I realise?
- How do I notice that you want support?
- What do you want me to just listen to, without trying to fix it?
- What would you like us to thank each other for more often?
Questions about what you're longing for
You don't need to make a life plan. It's enough to catch a glimpse of something the other person is looking forward to or hoping for.
- What would you like to learn or try over the coming year?
- What does a really good day off look like for you?
- What memory would you like us to create together?
- What do you want more room for in your own life?
- Is there something small we could start planning right now?
When it's hard to find the words
A short answer doesn't necessarily mean disinterest. Try giving an example yourself, simplifying the question, or giving the other person time to think. “What was a good moment today?” can be easier to answer than “what do you need from our relationship?”
If a question leads somewhere charged, you can pause there. Say what's happening for you without deciding the other person's intention: “I notice I'm getting tense. Can we pause and come back to it after dinner?” Try to agree together on when you'll return to it.
End with something to take with you
Share one thing you heard and want to remember: “I'm taking away that you appreciate when we plan the weekend together.” Ask if you understood correctly. If you like, choose one small joint step, but the conversation doesn't need to end with a task.
The conversation cards here are written for Aivelyn. They're chosen based on the theme you select and don't analyse any answers. In Relation you can then explore more of your communication patterns and get conversation support based on the information you choose to share.